Dib on Irk
by Idonquixote
Summary: AU. Zim never comes to Earth. Instead, Dib goes to Irk. And this is his story. Oneshot.


**My first IZ fic ever. Well, it was an idea I wanted to see and a blatant excuse to describe the world of Irk, which I really desperately want an image of. So here goes! I hope everyone's in character and sorry for the length.**

**So basically it's an AU oneshot, where Zim stops by Irk after escaping Foodcourtia. And Dib goes to space instead of waiting for UFOs to come to Earth.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Invader Zim**

* * *

**Atmospheric Pressure: Normal**

"Five more minutes, Mr. Zombie," he mumbled between fits of snoring.

**Atmospheric Pressure: High**

Grumbling, Dib rolled in the cushioned pilot seat. "Here to say you're sorry? Too late! Ha!" Snore.

**Atmospheric Pressure: Very High**

One eye cracked open. The boy stared at the beeping lights in the darkness. A faint blue glow emitted from the cockpit. _Huh?_

**Atmospheric Pressure: Abnormal**

BEEEEPPP! Dib's body shook as the space craft tumbled, his head hitting the ceiling painfully. "Ah! What's going on?"

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. The alarm sounded. Dib's eyes widened as the monitor displayed a variety of shapes before him. Struggling against the sudden motion and the tightening seatbelt, he hastily typed a series of code on the screen.

It replied: PREPARING FOR IMPACT

_Impact?_ "Impact!" Which would mean... he was RIGHT! "I was right!" Dib laughed, scythe-tipped hair shooting upwards. "They called me crazy! They called me stupid! Well, who's laughing now? Who's laughin-"

He abrupty choked and felt his chest squeeze. _Maybe I shouldn't talk now._

**Destination: Unknown**

He would call his dad later, and Gaz. This was amazing! And he'd have to take pictures, lots of pictures- wait, what if there's nothing there? Of course there's something! He could see nothing but motion lines as the ship moved. He'd be the first kid in space! The first to discover alien life- maybe he could even take a specimen, stop an invasion, do something... something important!

And they would all be wrong and-

The monitor displayed numbers: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6-

1. "Hey, you skipped-"

"Enjoy your flight, astronaut!" Membrane's automated voice said through the monitor.

Dib's head smashed against the monitor.

* * *

The boy stepped out of the ship groggily. He put one hand on the blue metal to steady himself. "Must wait for vision... to stop... being weird!"

**Membrane Space** was printed in white block letters along the side. Dib sighed- his father had finally decided to fund space exploration _and_ called the notion of alien life crazy- that just wasn't right. Not to mention banning him from being anywhere near the ship. Well, he proved the professor wrong! Besides, it wasn't like he stole the craft after sneaking into the Membrane space studies lab.

He just borrowed it. Yeah.

"Yeah."

Feeling less dizzy and after several bouts of puking, Dib wiped his mouth and decided to take a good look at his surroundings. The sky was orange and a bit pinkish- he couldn't tell if the sun-thingy was red. Yellow clouds. Grey clouds. The ground was rocky, and somehow resembled blood brown clay. Hmm. He snapped several pictures.

"I wonder if there's life," he said to himself (go figure).

Some strange plant was staring at him- a mixture of a cactus and a deranged sunflower. After examining it, Dib looked into the distance- something was flaring there, almost like...

City Lights.

He gasped. Cities mean life. And life means-

"Aliens."

Jumpy, Dib ran back to the spaceship and grabbed his bag: the language translator, bottled water, sandwiches, a gun, a video communicator, back-up cameras, sleep-cuffs, his diar- journal, the Membrane all-purpose-inator, all important stuff (though he wasn't sure about the last one).

He typed in the code to unlock the craft's mini-land drover and a golf cart rolled out. Skeptical, Dib got into the driver's seat and turned on the monitor. Immediately, the engines spouted fire. "Now that's more like it!"

Above him, something flew by. Dib pointed, about to shout before remembering that no one was there. The thing looked suspiciously like an air craft. Well, he would just have to find out.

Shaking from excitement, the boy put his hands on the steering controls and drove on.

* * *

It was a city. He was right! Dib marveled at the strange skyscrapers, ridiculously tall and spiral shaped. Everything was some shade of pink, red, purple, and white. And the lights.

"Man, they're bright!"

Yellow flashes, white flashes, coming from the ground, the buildings, everywhere. A series of green symbols appeared in the sky, sign by sign. Dib assumed it was a projection from somewhere. Floating billboard monitors circled the city. _Kind of like home_.

He made the drover go closer, and faster. He was right again- there were several aircrafts shooting in the sky, following the same color scheme as the buildings. He could hear noises now.

People- no, aliens, shouting, speaking, screaming, being happy, mad, terrified, and just sounding weird. He wondered what they looked like as he took more snaps of the landscape. There seemed to be traffic noises, _space_ traffic noises.

The aliens cheered when a robotic voice announced something. He could see the monitors clearly now. There was a sign, several geometrical shapes pieced together to form a head-like symbol. The same sign that littered the air crafts and buildings.

"That must be important."

He scribbled it down on the all-purpose-inator's screen. The little device processed it before a series of instructions appeared. He pressed the "save and print" option. A sheet of A4 paper with the symbol appeared in his hands.

Fishing for the translator, Dib put the drover on auto-pilot. "How do I use this again?" he asked. Membrane's voice responded: "insert into brain. Remember, we are not responsible for any permanent damage. Side-effects include-"

Ignoring the many grusome consequences, Dib pressed the chip to his forehead. "Nothing's happening. OW!" He screamed in pain as the thing drove into his head and into his brain. adsfkehkfnkdlsnaffd OK, he was better.

_Now_, he could read their language.

**Welcome to Irk**, the letters flashed. The symbols were erased, as if someone pressed the backspace button, before being replaced by **the proud home of the Irken Empire**.

He eyed the monitors. "Remember, galactical conquest convention at Conventia!" the robotic voice said.

"Galactical conquest!" He had to warn his people! But it would be kind of cool to investigate the place first. Dib was in the cradle of civilization by that point.

"Also, snack taxes now up by 5%!" a peppier voice said. "Donut sale on Kloauhp Day!"

"What's a Kloauhp day? Huh? Huh?" Dib asked. "Oh, right, no one to talk to."

Besides, he had to keep a low profile. He noticed that the sky was rather crowded with monitors and space crafts zooming left and right. The ground was filled with black and white striped sidewalks (he assumed), lined with circular lights. Smaller pipe-like structures filled up several areas and there was a giant globe in the lit plaza.

It was carved with ravines and what looked like provinces. And the symbol took up three fourths of the structure. "That must be their sign."

The globe rotated and the symbol seemed to dissolve before it was replaced with **Hail the Empire!**

Turning his attention and camera away, Dib noticed several more signs. On one of the skyscrapers was the sign **Bank of Irk- Keep Your Monies Where You Can Trust It**. On another was **Long Live the Tallest(s)**. Another had **Experimentation Where Absolutely Nothing Goes Wrong. Just Kidding!**

One purple building had the symbols **We Make Snacks! Buy Snacks!** A tall, white building had a sign that read **General Hospital for the Unlucky**. The translator chip was working really well. "There aren't even any grammar mistakes."

One of the flashier skyscrapers boasted the words **Club CEN: Must be this tall to Enter**.

Dib tore his eyes from the signs. Too flashy, too many, too... distracting. Besides, he needed to take pictures of the aliens themselves. They were exactly as he had imagined them, just not... as cool.

Antennae. Green skin. Bug eyes. And they all dressed the same so far.

They also seemed pretty self-absorbed. No one seemed to notice his drover. He could understand what they were saying, but not too clearly on account of all the noise.

"Move it!" "Hey!" "You going to Conventia next Plaos cycle?" "You owe me monies!" "Long live the Tallests!" "I wish I was tall." "Greetings soldier."

The monitor displayed a picture of another alien, one with horns and purple skin. **Vortian Scientist gone missing**, it read, **Wanted Slave**.

"So they keep slaves," he muttered. A series of other images passed the screen, all "wanted" signs for other species.

"Are you sick of this life?" a voice asked. Dib listened to the commercial. "Sick of being short? Useless? Doomed? Well, you just have to try harder!"

"Reminder- Operation is near!"

"Come visit Planet Omega. Where we conquered and enslaved all life. It is safe and fun and you will have all sorts of natives to torture and do your bidding. Contact us at-"

"ALIEN!"

That was not from the advertisements. Someone was speaking to him. "Yeah, I know, they're everywhere," Dib said. _Wait, there's no one with me_.

And why would someone call their own race aliens? That could only mean- Crap. He turned around to see one of _them_ staring at him, its hand pointing accusingly. "Alien!"

"Hey! Quiet!"

"Alien!" the little Irken shouted. It was short, really really short. Up to Dib's chin, he guessed. "Oh my Tallest! An intruder- hello!" It waved frantically at its fellow Irkens marching down the lane. "Am I the only one that sees the alien?"

Dib crouched below his seat. He heard another voice reply "You're crazy, soldier."

"No! I- I saw it!"

"Whatever." Then another voice. "Who dares disturb my thinking!"

"Me! Did _you_ see that?"

"Yes, yes, I know I am amazing."

"There's an alien!"

"Silence! Zim has bills to pay."

Hurriedly, Dib sat up and drove the rover away at jet speed. Man, that guy was creepy- good thing no one believed him. He wondered if the Zim alien would go the Bank of Irk. Zim. What an odd name. It didn't matter- he knew enough about the "Irkens" to know that they needed to be stopped, somehow. And just like that, he had proclaimed himself Earth's savior; he'd stop the "conquest" before it could even reach the Milky Way.

* * *

Dib parked the rover between two skyscrapers. From his observations, they seemed to be apartments; first things first, he needed a disguise. Taking out the all-purpose-inator, Dib requested a pair of red shades. It materialized easily enough. Too bad the invention could only do trivial things or he would have a bunch of useful weapons by then.

He put them over his glasses and spat on his hands. He then styled his hair in a way so that it would resemble two antennae. But what about the clothes? He looked through the clothing catalogue on the all-purpose-inator and ordered a striped red shirt, black gloves, and a spotted backpack. Everyone seemed to have them on this planet.

Odd fashion sense. He hoped the disguise would work (he wasn't about to paint himself green just yet). Now what?

Turning on the invisibility shield, he left the drover in the alley. Dib walked into one of the buildings, hoping his disguise would work. _It's funny how I can breathe here. I never thought about that! Wow, I could be dead if-_

"Can I help you?" a deep voice asked.

"Uh... can you understand me?"

The deep voice came from an Irken his height, mouth covered by a high collar. He tapped his fingers (three of them) on the counter. "I do not appreciate humor. And what's wrong with your skin?"

"Sorry." Dib coughed into his hand. "Skin condition. And uh... I kind of need a place to stay."

"There are no more available living cells. Perhaps if you let me scan your Pak, one can be created."

"My pak?" Backpack. "Oh, uh, that's okay. Um..." _Come on Dib, you're almost there_. "I don't mind... sharing a living cell." He smiled pretentiously.

"And who is your cellmate? I will not allow spontaneous arrangements." _Stupid alien scum_.

"Who?" Oh boy. Now he was in trouble. Who? Who? He couldn't let them discover him. What if they captured him- did horrible experiments! And who would be left to STOP them!

"ZIM." That was the only name he knew. He hoped the alien did indeed live in this skyscraper.

The Irken twitched and visibly shuddered. "Zim?" he asked. "Invader Zim? Foodservice drone Zim? Zim? Zim!"

He was becoming hysterical. Dib waited for the fit to pass. The Irken took a look at him and shook his head. "Well, you are an odd one. State your occupation, name, and date of incubation. I will run it through the data base."

"I'm Dib, a... foot soldier. Born on a Kloauhp day."

"You are temporarily registered. Zi- Zi- Zi- the cellmate's living quarters are on the sixty fifth floor, the tenth room to your right. Suicidal, you."

"Thanks." The Irken pricked his finger with a needle and stuck it in something behind the counter. "Processing your genetic code. Use it to enter the cell."

"What was that! Some kind of evil plan behind this- huh? Huh?"

"You will get along greatly with your cellmate." A beam zapped his shoes, earning a scream. Frowning, Dib left, hoping his finger wouldn't become infected, but not before shooting the Irken a glare.

* * *

He wasn't taking an elevator. It was a chute, a long transparent chute that made his skin tingle. Dib's finger stayed on the camera. So... many... pictures! He could see Irk from above. Several space crafts zoomed around the chute.

His stomach flipped as the tube took him into a spiral. Upside down, rightside up, upside down, rightside up. He saw more little green men zip past him on separate chutes. One broke in half and the Irken plummeted through, its antennae caught on the edges.

"The pain!" it shouted.

Several more Irkens laughed at its pain, using its head as a lever to get back in the chute. A space craft exploded and a robotic beeping sounded. Upside down. Rightside up.

Dib fell on his head. "Seriously," he mumbled.

"Floor level sixty five. Enjoy your day, soldier," the computerized voice said, shoving Dib out.

Crawling out, he sprawled his body over the carpeted floor. Pink, like his sister's room. He should contact his family soon and send pictures. Then he could send specimens. Dib stood up- that's right, all those aliens ripe for picking. He grinned widely.

Dib snapped more shots of the area as he walked along the corridor- it felt a bit slanted. The windows were wide and clean- so clean it'd be hard to tell if there were any glass panes or not. He pressed his nose against it. The sky was black already, but the clouds were still purply orange.

He saw a monitor fly by, an image of two waving Irkens with red and purple eyes respectively. They seemed taller than the aliens he'd seen so far. **The Almight Tallests, Your Glorious Leaders** the screen read. The image disappeared and the Vortian scientist's face popped back in, followed by the wanted sign.

"So those are your leaders, space scum... bad guys," Dib announced, "I'm catching on, aren't I? Aren't I!"

"Huh?" An Irken in green goggles was staring at him, a brow ridge raised. Dib stared back.

"I'm normal, you know."

"..."

"I sure love the empire." The lie burned in his mouth. The Irken shrugged and walked away.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Dib continued down the path. He had a mission to fulfill. Cell 10 had a white door with the Irken insignia on it. "How do I get in?" There was no knob, no doorbell, not even a slot. Just a series of symbols and a little screen.

He put his injured finger on it, only for a thin red light to come out and scan him. The neutral face symbol turned into a smiley. Click.

Not wasting any time, Dib barged in, slamming the door behind him. A plastic chair, a strange plasma mattress, what looked like the equivalent of a television monitor on the wall, a floating desk, and two rooms. There was a mirror on the ceiling.

Edgy, Dib snuck into the first room- it was dark and filled with jars of substances. Several things were tacked to the wall- plans, no doubt. He walked through a doorway to the other room, which was larger than the "parlor" and contained several monitors, a steel trashcan, and a larger plasma object (and a bunch of cabinets that were filled with stacks of paper to Dib's disappointment- apparently this Zim was crawling in debt). He entered the last room which had a small toilet and a large shower stall.

Symbols appeared on the walls as he went back to the living room... place. **The Control Brains are watching you**, it read. **Hail the Empire**, another set said. **Greetings soldier** was the next phrase that appeared.

"Now to start investigating in full," Dib said, "I know the enemy's coordinates now. I just need to-"

The door clicked. Uh oh. A black boot stepped in. Followed by the body of an alien no taller than himself.

"..."

"..."

Dib froze. The Irken walked past him and plopped himself in the plastic chair. Seconds passed. Almost a minute. The Irken's eyes bulged and it jumped up. Screaming.

It screamed shrilly. Dib screamed back. It screamed some more. Dib screamed some more.

"Who are you!" it demanded. "Intruder! Have you no respect?"

"I-"

"Get out! Get out of my residence!"

"Wait!"

"I paid for this! I paid monies!"

"Hey! Can you-"

"Computer! Computer! Destroy the intruder! _Deessstroooy_ him!"

Dib leapt on the Irken, pinning him to the ground and stuck a hand over its mouth tightly. "SHUT UP! I'm your cellmate! New!" It bit him and rolled out from underneath. "Zim needs no cellmate!"

"I have money- monies! Lots of monies!" Or his father did, at least.

"Computer!"

To Dib's surprise, the computer actually replied. "Would it kill you to listen, master?"

"I can pay your debts!" the boy screamed.

The alien's antennae twitched. It opened its mouth to say something before shutting it again. It seemed to think (Dib assumed it could think) for a total of ten minutes. Ten precious minutes that Dib couldn't afford to waste.

"All you have to do is let me be your cellmate. I'm not taking no for an answer, _Zim_."

Maybe he could intimidate it by saying its name. The Irken was unphazed; he seemed to take other knowing his name for granted. "Listen, intruder. I see that I have coerced you into being in my debt."

"No you-!"

"So in return for my wonderful hospitality, you will pay the debts and all the bills."

"Hold on-"

"As well as anything I desire."

"I did not-"

"Do you wish to be my cellmate or not, bighead?"

Speaking through grit teeth, Dib replied, "fine, I'll, I'll do it. Any my name is Dib. Okay? Not bighead."

"Whatever Bid- I need to see your so-called monies."

"DIB. And I use foreign currency. We'll have to convert it."

"Zim just returned from the bank!" The Irken stomped his foot in frustration. "Fine, fine- let us go the Bank of Irk. You better have as much as you promised, _Dib_. Or it's out on the streets for you!"

The boy hoped he wasn't digging his own grave with this.

* * *

His bank account was under the name "monies slave" (_thanks a lot, Zim!_). Dib held the card under the metallic light- the Irken symbol was on it along with a series of codes and numbers. The bank was big, a lot bigger than the ones back on Earth.

There seemed to be an infinite row of floating service desks and monitors. And an equal number of MWMs (Monies Withdrawal Machines). The clerk drone handled the USD transfer easily enough- Dib suspected it was a robot or the drone was just really cocky- it hadn't even wondered which planet the money came from. Apparently all it cared about was whether or not he was using real currency.

And now he had just transferred nearly all of his dad's savings into the Bank of Irk.

"Where did you get so much?" Zim asked, leading him away from the levitating benches and through a zigzag row of pink columns.

"I use coupons."

"Ugh, coupons. Competent soldiers pay in full!"

"Why?" Why was he even asking this.

"Don't you want to fund the mighty armada?"

"Uh huh." _Armada eh? We'll see how long that lasts_.

The air crafts were called "voot cruisers" and he was stuck riding in Zim's, resisting the urge to take pictures of each monitor and control. Well, almost resisted- he snapped shots when the Irken wasn't looking.

"Where's your ship, Dib?"

"I lost it."

"Pfft. Imbecile."

_The sooner I save the universe, the better!_

* * *

Zim parked the cruiser between in an empty lane after effectively destroying all the other parked crafts. Maybe rooming with him wasn't such a good idea. And maybe the Irkens weren't much more observant than the humans- no one asked about Dib's skin, no one.

"So where are we eating? I'm not from this part of... the planet. And my stomach's growling."

"Your what? What on Irk is a stomack?"

Darn it! Almost blew his cover. "I mean I'm so hungry I can't speak right. I mixed up stomach with- with with"

"Your squeedly spooch?"

"Yeah, that."

"Just follow me, since my brainmeats are clearly superior to yours."

He'd make Zim the first specimen, definitely. Dib walked in the direction of Club CEN before Zim pulled him back. "Are you crazy! You must be this tall to enter!" The Irken gestured with his arms.

"It's just height. Sheesh."

"JUST Height?" Zim grabbed his arm roughly and dragged him away ("Ow! Ow!"). "It seems that your body does require immediate nourishment. To speak of such blasphemy! It makes me sick- _sick to my squeedly spooch_."

* * *

Females have a few lashes and curled feelers. Males had straighter feelers. Dib understood that by now- they passed several different Irkens on the way to Raglarch's Bar, and after several awkward questions, Zim confirmed it. And continued to insult Dib's "malnourished" brain.

The Bar didn't seem as flashy as Club CEN, but it was completely lit in fluorescent lights, and the walls were made of neon. The funny thing was that he was sure he'd never been into an Earth bar before, let along an alien one. He felt childish for having even been in a bar before his classmates- they'd be envious. That and it felt pretty awesome.

The bartender was an inch taller than Zim and seemed to have a speech impediment.

"Tho, what'd you want? Hey! Zthim- aren't you banisthhed?"

"Yeah, but I quit."

"You can do that?"

"Yeah. Give us the usual. And the sammich special. This _bigheaded_ soldier needs nourishment immediately!"

Dib ignored the insult, watching the bartender leave, and distracted by the floating bottles of space (?) wine. He was even more distracted by the word "banished." For what?

"What were you banished for?"

"I-ruined-OID-one-and-a-lot-of-other-things," Zim said quickly, "anyway, hurry up with the food!"

So he was rooming with a criminal and likely certified maniac. It had barely been a day and he already knew Zim was a maniac even by Irken standards. For some reason, he wasn't surprised. He was Dib, after all.

The bartender returned with plates of sandwiches, all bearing the insignia and filled with baloney (or something close to it). Dib snuck a few samples into his backpack before risking his life and eating them.

They tasted just like sandwiches. He was a little disappointed.

"Hey, what'sth wrong with your sthkin? And why do you have a nosth and earsth?" the tender asked.

"SKIN CONDITION."

The Irken cast him a look of pity. "I know why he looks that way," a familiar voice said. Dib turned around- "oh great."

It was the short Irken from earlier, and he was glaring hard at the human. "Because he's an alien!"

"You're crazy," the bartender said, shaking his head sadly, "poor defect."

"I am not a defective! I just happen to have more brainmeats! Everyone, look at him!"

All eyes turned to Dib. Zim finished his glass of Splotch.

"Those aren't his eyes! And those aren't antennae! He- he's not even green!"

"Well, he isthn't green, I guesth," the bartender said with a slight waver.

Dib felt beads of sweat form. _I can't be found out now! I haven't even started saving Earth_. The heightocracy! He stood up. "I'm taller than you."

"He's taller than you- respect him!" Zim snapped, jumping to his feet. "Respect me! Respect Zim! Shut your annoying mouth."

"But but but-"

The conversation felt very, very close to home. Dib sat back down. No, he wasn't anything like any of these aliens. It wasn't true.

The bartender snapped his fingers and two drones picked the screaming Irken up before tossing him out of the bar. Everyone laughed. Everyone except Dib. He was too busy trying to figure out what was in the Splotch. The contents ended up on the floor, not that anyone noticed.

* * *

The Irken Academy for the Underaverage was a cold, grey establishment. Dib yawned, reapplying the gel to his "antennae" as he walked into its sliding doors. According to Zim, Irkens didn't sleep. He had to wait until the alien was distracted enough before dozing off.

And the shower. Light blue liquid that wasn't water. Dib had several samples of that ready- it would no doubt help a scientific breakthrough.

He wasn't sure if he should continue taking Zim's advice, but he didn't really have any other "allies." The Irken told him that the IAU was the best facility for "failures" such as himself to regain their wits- so it was skool for Irkens who weren't good enough at life.

Which was perfect for Dib to learn. Enrolling himself had been easy enough- Zim must have been incredibly bored to do it for him.

He stepped into the classroom. A tall female saluted him- he saluted back and she rolled her eyes (or so it seemed).

"We have a new failed soldier today. His name is Dib, a foot soldier deported from quedrant 4. He was so pathetic that any trace of his service was erased. Let us welcome him. Dib, address me as colonel Vip."

The Irkens in the auditorium chairs nodded at him. Confidently, he nodded back. They reminded him of the kids of skool, which wasn't exactly a compliment.

"Colonel! There's an alien among us!" That voice. Again. Dib moaned as he took his seat.

The Irken stood up and pointed. "That's no Irken! That's an alien intruder. I bet he's here to take down the empire, aren't you? Aren't you!"

"Pis, what is your problem?" another Irken asked.

Pis groaned. "Watch!" He jumped on Dib's armrest and pulled off the backpack. Dib glared.

The class went silent, staring on in horror. One Irken screamed. Taking that as a cue, Dib screamed too- best to act innocent.

"Pis! Give that back right now! That's murder right there!" Vip barked, a metal leg extending from her pak. It grabbed the backpack and tossed it at Dib. The boy watched in fascination. _I'll have to examine one of those_.

"What are you waiting for, soldier? Put it back! You could die!"

Dib placed the backpack back on his back, Pis twitching angrily behind him. He could feel the Irken's ire. "I'm not crazy- oh, you'll see, you'll all see," he muttered. It was kind of annoying.

Dib listened intently to what Vip was saying, most of it having to do with Irken military strategies and why the class was pathetic. He raised his hand.

"Colonel, in the case that say an enemy was trying to take down the armada, how well are Irken defenses? Huh? Huh?"

"No one would dare." She then continued the lecture.

"Am the I only one who heard that?" Pis shouted. "Shut up," the classmates hissed.

* * *

He got through. Dib grinned- he did it. He walked away from the IAU happily; he learned a little at least, took pictures, and had established a "base" on Irk. Now all he needed was a plan.

"Dib, if that's really your name," Pis said. Dib started.

The Irken stepped in front of him, a devious grin on his face. "You may have everyone else fooled. You may have _Zim_ to protect you, but he can't save you now."

Dib stepped back. "What are you talking about? I'm normal."

"Your head's too big for an Irken. And who are you fooling? I'm going to expose you."

"You're crazy."

Dib broke into a sprint. There was no way he could run back to Zim's cell this fast, but he had to try. He dove past marching Irkens and under hot voots and latched onto the leg of a monitor. It carried him away, Pis hot on his trail.

"I've been called crazy all my life, alien scum! I'm the only one who knows there are intruders in the empire!"

"I'm normal- go away!"

Dib rolled on the ground, ignoring the pain of burning lights. He hobbled away.

"Use your spider legs!" Pis' own metal legs extended. "Unless you don't have any, alien!"

He pulled out a red taser, shining dangerously. Dib glared- he still had the sleepcuffs but there wasn't time to grab them. He hopped on to the engine of a flying cruiser, Pis directly under him panting.

"Who knows? Maybe the Tallests might shake my hand! We've never seen something like you before, Dib!"

The taser missed and Dib fell again. The boy stood up and continued running; he pulled out the communicator and quickly typed in a code. LOADING. Drat! He lost himself in a crowd of Irkens.

Pis screamed after him. "We'll cut you up Dib! I've always wanted to see an autopsy- maybe they'll name yours after me!"

"Hello?" a static-filled voice said, Zim's image coming on the communicator.

"Zim- ah- I need- ah- you to pick me up now! I'm almost at the Bank- ah- of Irk!"

"I don't have that time! I need to finish my ingenious invention first!"

"Please, Zim!"

Dib dove into an alley, chest heaving. "Hey, do you think we should switch to Empire Trust? The Bank of Irk doesn't cover explosions anymore."

"Pick me up!"

"You do not order Zim around, monies slave!"

"Please, Zim, you're so amazing and mighty and cool and so Zimmish!" Dib almost threw up. He pulled a bottle of water out of his backpack and drank.

"Seeing as you cannot do anything without me, I shall come. And you will be in my debt even more!"

The transmission cut and Dib was knocked to the ground, Pis' spider legs cutting into the pavement. "I'll be a hero for this, spacesmeet. Any last words?"

"Yeah! Eat H2O!"

The boy spashed the remains of the bottle on the Irken's face. Pis was immediately writhing in pain on the ground.

"So water hurts your kind! Well, let me tell you buddy- there's a lot more of it!"

Pis shot up again. Dib braced himself for the pain of impact and was instead lifted into the air with a whoosh. _The voot!_

He laughed triumphantly. Pis shook his fist. "Laugh now, Dib! But I'll get you, I'll get you, even if I have to follow you to the ends of the Irken Empire!"

"Zim, can you shoot him!"

Pis scrambled out of the way as a blast hit the spot he was inhabiting. "Damn it!"

* * *

"-and that's all that happened today," Dib said into the communicator, "dad, I will make it my sworn duty to put a stop the Irkens."

"You're dressed like a freak, Dib," Gaz commented from behind their father, "and you're already a freak."

"Have fun for now, son, but when you get back, you are in lots of trouble! Understand?"

"Yeah, yeah, I've got work to do. And you'll all see! Dad, this is Invader Dib, signing off!" He cut the transmission.

Zim was in the shower. It had taken all of Dib's willpower not to spy on him, or cut his skin. Maybe just a little cut... nah, maybe another time.

* * *

"Irk? Really?" Gaz asked. Membrane set her on his shoulder with a chuckle.

"Your crazy brother with his aliens."

"Do you really think he's on another planet?"

"Of course not!"

He broke into a peal of laughter. "But he says he's investigating matter- let's humor him for a bit, daughter."

"Tch. Fine."

* * *

**And this oneshot is finished! I hope you like it and thanks for reading, and maybe review?**

**Originally, Zim was supposed to be in Pis' role, sort of, but then it wouldn't work. He's too self-absorbed to notice a weird alien. So he's now Dib's "GIR" in a sense. Membrane and Gaz are Dib's "Tallests" hehe.**

**But I oddly like how Dib as "Zim" turned out.**

**I don't think this will ever be continued, but if it did, Dib would follow Zim to Conventia and stuff happens from there.**


End file.
